Do I fit your concepts and categories?

I think that I can be a domineering woman. I don’t lack self-esteem and I am confident in voicing my opinions and expressing myself. I am not insecure enough to respond in the expected negative way that women tend to do, when paid a compliment. I say “thank you” and acknowledge my assets. I have been forced into being a victim, and I have been shown that confrontation can sometimes be a defence mechanism. People have pointed out that often I seem aggressive or defensive. There are many reasons why I become defensive and I do not feel unreasonable in my defences – I view them as morality and conscience that stable, reasonable people would also find abhorrent and worth being either confrontational or defensive on.

I am shocked at the environments others and I have encountered. Sometimes it brings me to question my judgement and my understanding of the world around. There is no such thing in my view as normality; yet, there are such things as right and wrong – and harm to others. The problems I find are said very well in a song by Ani DiFranco “… every time I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger, never to their own fear, and imagine you’re a girl, just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they preferred you were dirty, and smiling.” (Ani DiFranco, 1995, Not a Pretty Girl). This I find says a lot about my experience of people I encounter more often than not.

How many people use their personality, their understanding of people as an excuse to do terrible things? When people control people, and the validation for this is that; that person has allowed me to, they never argue, I am controlling, I like things to be perfect, I want the best for them and me, I am looking out for them. What about when someone like myself argues beliefs, life gaols, the way someone is behaving? What about when I can pinpoint someone’s downfalls and insecurities, sometimes before they are even realised? What kind of person does that make me? - Someone foolish or fearless. Western society is so stereotypical, so conceptual that very few people I meet can categorise me – I am insecure but not with the things you’d expect – I have self-esteem, I know my responsibilities and my uniqueness and I’m not afraid. Anyone can try to pick and pull me apart – I can be vulnerable and I can seem sad, threatened, angry, emotional, but… surprisingly maybe – I am not insecure and afraid of what anyone tries to do to me or confront me with. I have already confronted the worst of the worst.

So, when I meet people who cannot understand why I am domineering, yet I can be vulnerable - This does not fit the stereotype. How can I be a woman and like myself? How can I be a person with a valid opinion? How can I be someone who knows and can see, but still contain a naivety? How can I be a musician and still have a steady job? I just can and I am. I don’t fit some stereotypes and when people accept this, they understand and re-stereotype this world. Those who cannot accept, contain a fear and insecurity about their world… they cannot see that they mould and make me fit their pre-concept and if I don’t go along, if it confuses and doesn’t make sense, then its best to re-categorise me into another concept people understand in their experienced knowledge that can avoid with this with insecure validation, or, the approach I am most acquainted with is to use aggression to either force, control or demise of who I am. I am creative, and yet also academic… I am a stable extrovert according to standard personality tests, yet I know I can be neurotic. So, while I know who I am and I can confront my internal self, I see so many people who think they know who they are and who I am – but in reality their lack of ability in dealing with my questions and my quires – I see insecurity and fear and another wrong stereotype of me.

“Richard Dawkins seems angry” – well so am I!

When we read a fictional story or watch a movie, what makes us empathise enough with the characters to understand that they might be angry? They might be many other emotions but how can we relate? Why should we empathise and is anger just as important as all other emotions for surviving as a species? With emotion being one of the most important aspects of human life and understanding, experience and self be, the founders of what makes us perceive emotions the way we do as well as feel the emotions the way we do. There are said to be five basic emotions ‘The Big Five’ (Ekman 1998). These travel across the cultures and are; anger, fear, disgust, happiness and sadness. So, therefore it could be said as much as those of us who do not wish to acknowledge anger and disgust the two most externally and internally unfavourable emotions, it has to be said that they do exist and they are nurtured in all of us - no-one is above anger. These emotions are the setting stone for our goals in life. The person we become, the person we want to be, and anger becomes an important motivator for dealing with changing our environments and ourselves. I am not wrong to feel angry that people are narrow minded and therefore want to change their views, I am not wrong to feel angry if I fail my driving test and so take it again, I am not wrong to feel angry that my father rejected me and so never reject a person if I can help it and deal with rejection better if I have to deal with it, as well as avoid for my own sanity rejection where it may not be worth the risk – anger helps me make those judgements and learn to how live my life.

So now looking from the perspective of others – those who think they sound, appear or feel more superior for judging people as aggressive, angry, arrogant and all the negative emotions a person can feel but should not apparently feel according to the judgers. Who is anyone to judge a subjective emotion? No-one on this earth can know the true feeling of someone when they speak or write their thoughts. Unless we had a wider vocabulary or one that is more openly accepted, I might say “I am angry that Rupert couldn’t be bothered to talk to me today, I am also hurt and disgusted that he would rather play with his other friends!” Maybe I should have added envy, jealousy, insecurity, depressed – at the same time I could add – motivated, challenged and eager! The negatives and the positives could both be present yet it might be indescribable in our structured language to express those feelings verbally – so the physical may help you understand. But, then the physical and verbal might not explain what is true - this is when everyone thinks that they are a professional psychologist! “You’re angry because I see it in your face!”. Wrong again! You see what you want to see, we all see what only our limited capacities and understanding of our world give us an ability to see. We know nothing of the true emotions others feel and cannot truly judge without actually considering what is expressed and said to us as the fact, and also accept that this is not. The ‘beetle in the box’ dilemma – “I can see my beetle in my box, I can describe it to you, tell you what it does and what it likes, but remember, I am the only person who can see my beetle and thus the only person who truly knows what my beetle looks like, and does, and in-fact if it is a beetle in my box!” - We never know anyone else truly or fully – we can only know ourselves and what others tell us (if that is even the truth).

So, ourselves is the element we set our standards by, we judge others in ourselves. Hence, when someone claims they think Richard Dawkins seems aggressive and angry in a book about religion, I ask myself – is Dawkins really aggressive or is that how someone perceives and so judges him – can Dawkins not be factual, irritated, exhausted, desperate, passionate, unhappy, anguished, frustrated, precise, impatient, disgusted, motivated, illustrative, expressive, orientated, ambitious, provocative, challenging, informative etc etc. Why pin people down to the emotions we limit ourselves to understanding, and in turn not acknowledge the problems people face, and instead of finding a solution or demeaning someone’s true beauty because of their feelings, can we not accept that this is part of their experience and survival, something we cannot truly understand or know, but have to accept as a helpful emotion for solving other problems and issues people will face in the future. Dawkins, may well appear angry, but maybe he’s not and even if he was or is, that could be the solution to his own motivated success or a failure he chooses to avoid. Those who are so arrogant as to think they know how someone is motivated enough to throw judgement or solution should keep their thoughts to themselves because on the wider scale of emotion, they appear nothing but foolish and harmful to negatives we should not try to solve but use to conquer and be better human beings. I am afraid of those who cannot admit how they truly feel, or openly admit they have negative emotional responses. Those responses and feelings are the solution to finding true happiness, so why not embrace them and in turn stop hiding ourselves from others.

The Things We Take For Granted

Here’s the list of things I take fro granted and acknowledge I should do my best to recognise and solve.

My mother: she always been there for me, always looked after me in my most happy of moments and saddest of moments; we have shared everything in the last 25 years, from her rocky rides to mine. Recently I have spent a lot of time focused on others around me, friends, travelling, studies, work and at the bottom of the pile comes my mum. It’s as though instinctively I know that unconditionally she loves me and will always be there for me. I know that even when we have arguments or have our own troubles as every relationship does, she will be there, always. Three people over the years who I have been close to have disliked her, which I have taken for granted how wrong they were, and although I always defended her, for her beauty, I should really have walked away from those people, because they not only harmed my mother, but me also. I should spend more time with her, I should tell her more often what a good mother she is. I should tell her she’s beautiful and praise all the good things she keeps doing more often. I think that I presume she already know this, but we all know everyone needs to hear it too. Because of her, I know how to love really well, and I also know how to express this.

My sister: I take for granted how vulnerable she can be, and how she not only longs for mums affections and attention but sometimes mine too. I forget how she is a woman like me, and when I am low, she can empathise with my feelings often better than others. When I get myself into terrible places in my mind, which have been caused by the memories and sometimes I admit ‘flashbacks’, she helps pull me through and keep me level headed. She can be caring and kind and she makes me laugh when it can be most needed. I should spend more time getting to know the good side to this young, fun girl. I should spend more time singing her praises and giving her responsibility to feel important in my life. I should reassure her more too, like she does me.

My friends: I take for granted how they will always be interested in my life and always be there when I need or want them, yet I can throw them away or be so unsociable, I feel I do them wrong. They have sometimes supported me, comforted me and made me smile at the most important time in my life, even when I have thought they would forget me, they return to give good advice. I often think that I should spend more resources making the effort to see them wherever in the country. To enquire more often about how they are, and what they have done. I often know that I should find the bother to go out and enjoy their company instead of wasting time on the computer or with the TV. I also know that if I could afford to I would take them all out and repay the kindnesses they have shown me. I should sometimes put them first.

There is actually very little that I will not analyse and see if I can improve. I feel often compelled to hold my hands up and apologies or do right the wrong I may make. I believe I am a lady of my honour. I often find I have more honour than most, and this is something that I cannot fathom in others. I do show gratitude for many small things life has to offer me - from the flowers that grow in my garden, to the beach being down the road. I also find I am close to tears if someone cooks dinner that I like, especially for me, or if someone does something selfless. I acknowledge the things people find hard to do, and yet find courage in doing for me. I often find that by keeping my expectations low, I will find the most happy moments and beautiful things in everyday life. However, in those expectations I discover people who are lazy and idol with no “want” to make the effort for me that could make me happy (at least not without encouragement from me). I feel that I will always be looking to make my world right and reasoned, but I always give in to the small signs of acceptance, and in that I start questioning. Am I worth more? Am I arrogant? Am I even worthy? Am I taken for granted?

Where is the line?

I myself have had a lot to deal with when it comes to people. It often makes me wonder how much emotional and physical torment people can tolerate. I can be stubborn and I know that a great deal of my hardheaded thinking has derived from the pits of human cruelty. Sometimes what surprises me the most is that the people who socially group around me, hold standards of not tolerating rudeness, thinking smacking is sinful and that abuse can come in any form of angry or cruel intention, yet, on the flip side they all turn out or tend to be criminals of the actions they most dislike, and often it appears to be aimed at myself. I know that I have these criminal moments myself, but I also have learnt to control my anger and my upset, sometimes to a stifling level, because the feelings in my heart is that whatever they have done to me, I cannot continue or feel “okay” hurting them. As soon as I am aware that I am causing pain, my instant need is it to correct my wrong. Maybe I have found the courage to fight for what I have done and what others do, or maybe it is that I can easily loose my dignity to appease others for that easier life?

My main questions here are; why does this keep happening to me, and what affects is this having on my trust, self-esteem, ability to care and my fundamentally giving and pleasing nature? I am worried and concerned that in all the verbal and physical beatings I have taken, eventually this anger will rise up, and spill into others around me who I genuinely do not want to hurt. Has society been so badly wronged over the years that now we all just hurt one another? But the admittance, awareness, acknowledgment, solution, stability, determination and recovery are the processes we all must take to truly be balanced individuals. I have done the course and wear the t-shirt, I still slip up, as everyone does when letting others inside and close, but to say the least I no longer have the need to play ‘mind games’, to manipulate or lie to myself or anyone else. I am who I am, and I know its better for the soul to tell it like it is, than to let these monsters form in our minds. All this being said, I am well aware that when placed in familiar situations from my past, I rebel and try to reason for as long as is possible, before my victim instinct kicks in, and suddenly it is as though my soul has decided – fighting doesn’t work, don’t fight, reasoning hasn’t worked, give up or run away. I wonder if this is part of the “fight or flight” instinct we all have – when I was a child I used to be more flight, even in early relationships my low self-esteem made me fly, I never thought I was strong enough. Now, however my first instinct is to fight, but if I am worn down too much again the flight reappears.

Part of me feels that I want to let go of the baggage. That the past may have created part of me, but it is not the whole sum of me. I know my fundamental nature from an innocent child through till now has always been gentle and sensitive, but I am also aware that the damaged Tia that must survive can cover this nature. Survival is my main trait at present. Is this a good trait to carry? I feel that it is a burden and a scar of the survival skills I have had to acquire and the strength I have had to find to cope with so many diverse and painful situations. I want to leave this baggage behind, and my greatest want and need in this life is to find a position where I am no longer fighting to survive. Does anyone ever reach this stage? I now wonder where the line is between people, and I try to keep power struggles aimed in my direction equal, but rarely are people equal or truly respectful and trusting. It can be difficult to build trust and respect when so often people are determined or waiting for it to fall. I have always been accused by friends and family of giving my trust too easily, and yes, it has got me into trouble and it has caused pain, but it is as though the nature of Tia wants to believe that all people are good until proven otherwise, and then again when I do trust someone it suddenly dawns on me that they cannot do the same back, maybe due to fears or inadequacies of their own, or maybe everyone is right, trust cannot be given it must be earned? At least through all my dramas and struggle I know I have a strong mind and heart, which will keep growing and learning, and even if I am more cautious not to trust, my want is so strong that I will cross that line to give myself over. All I can ask now is that those who have my trust do not repeat my past and make my survival instinct kick in, because in all honestly I am tired of surviving.